I need a pep talk

I wasn’t going to write about this because I don’t really want to think about it.  But I guess I need a little validation, even if it’s from people who don’t know me in real life.

I’ve talked about how I’ve been working my ass off for the past several months.  I’m pretty sure it’s obvious I’ve horribly busy, since I haven’t been spending much time online.  I’m not reading journals of my cyber-friends, I’m not playing with graphics.  Heck, I haven’t even bothered to reestablish my website.  In other words, I haven’t done many of the things I highly enjoy.

I’m usually not one to talk about job evaluations or bonuses, even with people I’m close to.  But I’m feeling so down right now, I know I’ve got to let it out.  In the past, I might have talked to my best friend, but she drifted faded away from me a couple years ago.  The only other person I can think of is a friend from work, and these are things I absolutely will not discuss with co-workers.

I got a preliminary look at my evaluation yesterday.  I’ve given everything I have to this job and it’s the same rating I got when I was doing next to nothing.  So my question is, why bother?  I asked my rater, whom I’ve been working with closely the last couple months, if she didn’t think I deserved the highest rating.  Her response was “The numbers don’t support it.”

Um, doesn’t leading the team that won the “Team of the Year” award count?  Doesn’t that speak for itself?  Doesn’t the fact that this job was written specifically for me matter?  (Granted, that can’t really go in the eval, but still…)

I suppose there is a personal satisfaction in having a say in how things are done.  I probably should be satisfied knowing that I’m giving my best.  But apparently my best is only mediocre.  So why not just do a mediocre job?

Someone once told me awards are not indicative of the work you do, but of your boss. Good bosses take the time to reward good performance.

The good news is I’m not going anywhere before retirement, so the eval wont matter.  But I’m wondering if this new job is worth it.  I have a lot more responsibility but get no more pay.   Why not just go back to a job that has a finite responsibility, is buried in the organization, gives me a shorter commute for while, and won’t require the time commitment.

I learned a long time ago not to make big decisions when I’m upset or tired.  I know to give it a few days and the right answer will come to me.


2 thoughts on “I need a pep talk

  1. Isn’t it frustrating when it looks like your efforts aren’t noticed or noticed and put down to ‘you’re just doing your duties? This really has you wonder why you should be doing your best. 😦

  2. I’m so sorry you’re facing this. It’s very crappy to be treated like that, and from the little I know of you, it’s totally undeserved.

    Years ago, I had a similar situation. Despite constant praise from the company owner and lots of evidence that I rocked at my job, I got a bad evaluation from my direct supervisor. I talked to the owner’s daughter, the company controller, who agreed that the eval was unfair. Totally different situation, because my supervisor didn’t dictate my raise, which was much higher than the eval would have supported, and it was a very small company where the eval hardly even mattered. But it bothered me, a lot. Recognition of my skill and dedication is important to me, even if I’m the only one who knows about it. So I stewed. But something my mother had taught me kind of drifted up, and I wondered if she gave me a bad eval because she felt threatened by how good a job I actually did. Within a year, I had her job. No direct cause and effect, but I was obviously capable of taking over when she left, so maybe she didn’t like that possibility.

    Long story short…maybe that’s the case here. It doesn’t have to be logical. But if she feels that you being good at your job highlights that she’s not as good, or doesn’t work as hard, it could explain why she did it.

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