I wasn’t going to write about this because I don’t really want to think about it. But I guess I need a little validation, even if it’s from people who don’t know me in real life.
I’ve talked about how I’ve been working my ass off for the past several months. I’m pretty sure it’s obvious I’ve horribly busy, since I haven’t been spending much time online. I’m not reading journals of my cyber-friends, I’m not playing with graphics. Heck, I haven’t even bothered to reestablish my website. In other words, I haven’t done many of the things I highly enjoy.
I’m usually not one to talk about job evaluations or bonuses, even with people I’m close to. But I’m feeling so down right now, I know I’ve got to let it out. In the past, I might have talked to my best friend, but she drifted faded away from me a couple years ago. The only other person I can think of is a friend from work, and these are things I absolutely will not discuss with co-workers.
I got a preliminary look at my evaluation yesterday. I’ve given everything I have to this job and it’s the same rating I got when I was doing next to nothing. So my question is, why bother? I asked my rater, whom I’ve been working with closely the last couple months, if she didn’t think I deserved the highest rating. Her response was “The numbers don’t support it.”
Um, doesn’t leading the team that won the “Team of the Year” award count? Doesn’t that speak for itself? Doesn’t the fact that this job was written specifically for me matter? (Granted, that can’t really go in the eval, but still…)
I suppose there is a personal satisfaction in having a say in how things are done. I probably should be satisfied knowing that I’m giving my best. But apparently my best is only mediocre. So why not just do a mediocre job?
Someone once told me awards are not indicative of the work you do, but of your boss. Good bosses take the time to reward good performance.
The good news is I’m not going anywhere before retirement, so the eval wont matter. But I’m wondering if this new job is worth it. I have a lot more responsibility but get no more pay. Why not just go back to a job that has a finite responsibility, is buried in the organization, gives me a shorter commute for while, and won’t require the time commitment.
I learned a long time ago not to make big decisions when I’m upset or tired. I know to give it a few days and the right answer will come to me.